Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
HOW TRUE!
How True
Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
PUNJABI CONFIDENCE
George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom
to invade next when his telephone rang.
'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said,
'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala,
Punjab ..
I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring the war on you!'
'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed
important news! How big is your army'
'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's
calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my
next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team
from the gurudwara. That makes eight'
Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one
million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring
you back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara
STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire
some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush
asked.
'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's
tractor.'
Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we
last spoke.'
'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to
you.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's
tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on
some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass
boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000
bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex
is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army
to TWO MILLION!'
'Tera pala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring
you back.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.
'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have
had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why the sudden
change of heart'
'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over
a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can
feed two million prisoners of wars!'
NOW THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE
Friday, September 26, 2008
FIVE SPICES WITH HEALTH BENEFITS
Shared by Linda H., Rosharon, TX
These five hot spices can be good for everything
Garlic
Potential health perk: Improves your heart's health.
Wasabi
Potential health perk: Prevents ulcers.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
Quote of the year….
"Each night when I go to sleep I die, and next morning when I wake up I am reborn again"
- M K Gandhi
"Each night when I go to sleep I am reborn and next morning when I wake up I am dead again"
- Software Engineer
LAWYER'S BMW
Laywer's BMW
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door,
Ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
The lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gooood....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.
Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.
After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
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INTERSESTING STUFF
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Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Humour : Different types of Marketting
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich.
"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing...
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: "He's very rich.
"Marry him." -That's Advertising.
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and get her telephone number. The next day, you
call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing.
4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car)"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations...
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition.
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback..."
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap..."
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she
goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share..."
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your
wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets..."
Monday, September 22, 2008
Who owns Kashmir?
WHO OWNS KASHMIR ?
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile. A representative from India began:
'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named. When Rishi Kashyap struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought,'What a good opportunity to have a bath.' He took off his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.
The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and in support of Pakistan, he shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.'
Marriage woes
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
------------ --------- --------- ----
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women
and then he turns them into Wives.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like leftovers, eaten when there's no choice.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would
go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you
continue to do so for the rest of your life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Here comes the Ultimate One :)
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
3 Parrots
3 Parrots
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw
three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "BOSS"!!
Men will be men but women
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit
> the ball
> >> into
> >>> the woods. She
> >>> went into the woods to look for it & found
> a frog
> >> in a
> >>> trap. The frog told
> >>> her, 'If you release me from this trap, I
> will
> >> grant
> >>> you three wishes.' The
> >>> woman freed the frog, & the frog said,
> 'Thank
> >> you,
> >>> but I failed to mention
> >>> that there was a condition to your
> wishes.'
> >>>
> >>> Whatever you wish for, your husband will get
> times
> >> ten! The
> >>> woman said,
> >>> 'That's okay.' For her first wish,
> she
> >> wanted
> >>> to be the most beautiful woman
> >>> in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do
> realize
> >> that
> >>> this wish will also
> >>> make your husband the most handsome man in the
> world,
> >> an
> >>> Adonis whom women
> >>> will flock to.' The woman replied,
> 'That's
> >>> okay, because I will be the most
> >>> beautiful woman & he will have eyes only
> for
> >> me.'
> >>> So, KAZAM-she's the most
> >>> beautiful Woman in the world! For her second
> wish, she
> >>> wanted to be the
> >>> richest woman in the world. The frog said,
> 'That
> >> will
> >>> make your husband the
> >>> richest man in the world. And he will be ten
> times
> >> richer
> >>> than you.' The
> >>> woman said, 'That's okay, because
> what's
> >> mine
> >>> is his & what's his is mine.'
> >>> So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the
> world!
> >> The
> >>> frog then inquired about
> >>> her third wish, & she answered,
> 'I'd like
> >> a
> >>> mild heart attack.'
> >>>
> >>> Moral of the story: Women are clever.
> Don't mess
> >> with
> >>> them. *
> >>>
> >>> Attention female readers: This is the end of
> the joke
> >> for
> >>> you. Stop here &
> >>> continue feeling good. *
> >>>
> >>> *Male readers: Please scroll down...
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> *
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The man had a heart attack ten times *MILDER*
> than his
> >>> wife!!!
> >>>
> >>> Moral of the story: Women think they're
> really
> >> smart.
> >>>
> >>> PS: If you are a woman & are still reading
> this;
> >> it
> >>> only goes to show that
> >>> women never listen!!!
> >>>
> >>> Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh,
> and to
> >> all
> >>> the ladies who
> >>> have a good sense of humour.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
Saturday, September 20, 2008
IT MAKES SENSE
Now if you think of it,
it really makes sense.
Rational and sensible things
but you'll just laugh it off.... WHY???
Ain't all sensible things ought to be followed?? huh?
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside.
So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!
8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow... sure!
9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
10. All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???
12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…
13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
Love vs Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
BANG YOUR HEAD IF YOU DONT KNOW THE ANSWER
Recently a company had participated in IIM's Placement Sessions. They asked some interesting questions to students during recruitment.
Here are some of them:-
************ ********* **
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
********
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
********
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water.
The tide rises at 12 inches every 15minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
********
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
********
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
********
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?
********
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
********
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?
Same question, but the location is in Canada ?
********
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
********
10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
********
11. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
********
Scroll down for answers..... .......
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1. The word "incorrectly. "
********
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
********
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Googly ;-)
********
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
********
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition.
So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
********
6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
********
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt.
********
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again.
The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
********
9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
********
10. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
********
11. The temperature.
********
Beauty of Mathematics !!!!!!!
Beauty of Mathematics !!!!!!!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321
Now, take a look at this...
101%
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been in situations where someone wants you to
GIVE OVER 100%.
How about ACHIEVING 101%?
What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
If:
H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%
And:
K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E
11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%
But:
A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E
1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%
THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F- G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
It's up to you if you share this with your friends & loved ones just
the way I did..
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