HILARIOUS

Giving Up Wine
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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' repli ed the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'





I just know you're laughing!
You're gonna send it on - aren't you?

WHY GOD AMDE MOMS?

WHY GOD MADE MOMS


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3.. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2.. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What's the difference between Moms & Dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue..


If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.



WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING --
SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!