Stock market definitions

Bull market: a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear market: a six- to eight-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum investing: the fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value investing: the art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio: the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker: poorer than you were last year.

Buy, Buy: a flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard and Poor (S&P): your life in a nutshell.

Stock analyst: idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split: when your former wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Market correction: the day after you buy stocks.

Cash flow: the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Institutional investor: past year investor who is now locked up in a nut house.

EBITDA : earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor.

EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.

CEO: chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: chief fraud officer.

EPS: eventual prison sentence