HILARIOUS

Giving Up Wine
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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' repli ed the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'





I just know you're laughing!
You're gonna send it on - aren't you?

WHY GOD AMDE MOMS?

WHY GOD MADE MOMS


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3.. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2.. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What's the difference between Moms & Dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue..


If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.



WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING --
SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!

GOD'S PHARMACY

It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... All before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw.
We're such slow learners... God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!

God's Pharmacy! Amazing!
A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four cchemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries

Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body. hambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

HILARIOUS

Subject: Hilariious!!

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite herwas smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smileturned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he
had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then
she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will
reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign

that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I
could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the
fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented
this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Ultimate Quote of the day:

Ultimate Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

Criticision : What If Titanic sank Today? ( HUMOR )

Criticision : What If Titanic sank Today?

Reaction from different countries:

**************


U.S.A:

"A ship coming to Freedom was attacked by terrorists.

We will not sit quiet and we will teach them a lesson.

Bin Laden you can run but you cannot hide we will find you and destroy your Al-Qaeda network."

(President Bush........whoelse?)

**************


U.K:

"I have spoken to the President of United States and we have both agreed that the sinking of Titanic is significant prove that Saddam Hussein is clearly behind this attack, Iraq is imposing a threat to the world and this has to be dealt with."

(Prime Minister Blair)


**************


Iraq:

"LOL!!!" (President Saddam Hussain)


**************


Israel:

"These Hamas and other terrorist network is enough evidence to say that sinking of Titanic is not an accident but it was their suicide bombers who have commited such a crime.

We will now impose curfew on the Palestinians, detain them, exile them, kill them, starve them, destroy their homes and refugee camps."

(Ariel Sharon....)

**************


Canada:

"Titanic who?" (Canadian Prime Minister)


**************


India:

"Is mein Pakistan ka haath hai. We have received passports of Pakistani extremists from the Titanic debris.

Pakistanis will have to pay for such horrendous act of terrorism. We are now deploying more soldiers to the border."

(Prime Minister Vajpayee)


**************


Pakistan:

"Sind may Double Sawari per ghair muayyana muddat ke liye pabandi"

(President Musharraf)

**************


UN:

"Shit happens right??"

(Sec.Gen. Kofi Annan)


**************


Survivors:

"Uhh. Helllooo. Is anyone listening...it was an iceberg..hellloooooo."

JOKES

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road "Why are doing that?" the lawyer asked.

"I don't have any money for food"'the man replied.

"Oh,then you must come with me"."But,Sir,I have a wife and five children."

"They are all welcom".


So the family got in the lawyer's car and he sped off towards his mansion. "you're so kind to help so many people"'the wife gushed during the journey.

"It's fine". said the lawyer. "I haven't cut my grass in weeks".