FORWARDS

My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe "go to hell"

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way

Especially to people who are about to get married

2009-03-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

#CASE 1

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

#CASE 2

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

#CASE 3

Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

#CASE 4

Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

#CASE 5

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm

still paying for it."

#CASE 6

Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad : "That happens in most countries son."

#CASE 7

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

#CASE 8

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes

#CASE 9

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?

#CASE 10

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

#CASE 11

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

#CASE 12

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

#CASE 13

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.

#CASE 14

A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."

Economic models explained with cows

2009-03-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

>
> Economic Models explained with Cows
>
> SOCIALISM
> You have 2 cows.
> You give one to your neighbour.
>
> COMMUNISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both and gives you some milk.
>
> FASCISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both and sells you some milk.
>
> NAZISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both and shoots you.
>
> BUREAUCRATISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
> milk away...
>
> TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
> You have two cows.
> You sell one and buy a bull.
> Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
> You sell them and retire on the income.
>
> SURREALISM
> You have two giraffes.
> The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
>
> AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
>
> ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
> You have two cows.
> You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
> credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
> debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
> four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
> Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
> sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
> The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
> one more.
> You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
> you with nine cows.
> No balance sheet provided with the release.
> The public then buys your bull.
>
> A FRENCH CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want
> three cows.
>
> A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
> produce twenty times the milk.
> You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
> it worldwide.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A GERMAN CORPORATION
>
>
> You have two cows.
>
>
> You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
> milk themselves.
>
>
>
>
>
> AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
>
>
> You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
>
>
> You decide to have lunch.
>
>
>
>
>
> A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
>
>
> You have two cows.
>
>
> You count them and learn you have five cows.
>
>
> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
>
>
> You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
>
>
> You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
>
>
>
>
>
> A SWISS CORPORATION
>
>
> You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
>
>
> You charge the owners for storing them.
>
>
>
>
>
> A CHINESE CORPORATION
>
>
> You have two cows.
>
>
> You have 300 people milking them.
>
>
> You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
>
>
> You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
>
>
>
>
>
> AN INDIAN CORPORATION
>
>
> You have two cows.
>
>
> You worship them.
>
>
>
>
>
> A BRITISH CORPORATION
>
>
> You have two cows.
>
>
> Both are mad.
>
>
>
>
>
> AN IRAQI CORPORATION
>
>
> Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
>
>
> You tell them that you have none.
>
>
> No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
> country.
>
>
> You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
>
>
>
>
>
> THE TALIBAN
>
>
> You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and
> they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.
>
> AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> Business seems pretty good.
> You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
>
> A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> The one on the left looks very attractive.
>
>
>

TO ALL WHO KNOW WOMEN WELL

2009-03-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

To All who kn o ws women well

A woman
came in a Garage
and asked
for a seven-hundred- ten.

All looked at each other, and the mechanic
asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"

She replied, "You know, the
little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had
always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and
a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in
the middle of it wrote 710 !!

He then took her over to another car
which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She
pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Now go to the photo
below to learn what a 710 is..........

...
....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Women
? The mechanic fainted!! J

Deadly Poison - Sugarcane Juice ...MUST READ

2009-03-21T20:46:00.002-07:00

It does not harm to play safe

Deadly Poison - Sugarcane Juice
A friend whose father works for the government health inspection passed on his info. Their job is to inspect all hawkers, their cooked food, their store hygiene, etc. They found sugar cane juice has the highest content of bacteria among all food. In fact, it has exceeded the set limit.

Hence, these guys had to find out why. They went round all sugar cane stores and watched the way the hawkers handled their sugar cane, wash their glasses, their entire procedure.

But they couldn't find the problem.

One day, they stayed till closing time and discovered some shocking facts! Whenever, the hawkers closed their stores, they would wash the floor with detergent.

As we know, the remaining sugar canes will be placed at the back of the store, vertically standing and as sugar canes are very porous, they tend to absorb whatever liquid around them.

Besides the soapy water, the dirt on hawkers' boots, cats' urine, etc, will all be absorbed??

Now, whenever I eat at a hawker centre, I would warn all my friends about this and of course, I stopped drinking my favourite sugar cane juice.

A friend, who loved sugar cane juice, was pregnant. She was always drinking sugar cane juice. Anyway, one day she miscarried and the fetus was already like 6 or 7 months old, I think. When the doctors did an autopsy to find out why all of a sudden the fetus had died inside her, they found traces of some chemical substance, which was found in cat urine... Large traces of it.

While it would not be able to harm adults, it was extremely toxic to babies, what more a fetus? So they tried to determine how this cat urine thing could have ended up in the fetus.

This meant that it had to be digested by the mother, right? And the only logical conclusion they could come up with was that since these sugar cane juice stall holders just leave the canes lying around on the wet and dirty floor, it would not be impossible to think that stray cats could have peed on those sugar canes or near those sugar canes.

So think carefully the next time you order that favourite sugar cane juice!

Deadly Poison - Sugarcane Juice ...MUST READ

2009-03-21T20:46:00.001-07:00

Deadly Poison - Sugarcane Juice ...MUST READ

2009-03-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

INDIAN HUMOUR-HAVE A BREAK

2009-03-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

S MS

2009-03-18T23:45:00.001-07:00

Dosti ke mayne hamse kya puchte ho,
Hum abhi in baton se anjaan hain,

Sirf ek gujarish hai ke bhool na jana hame,
Kyonki aapki dosti hi hamari jaan hai.......

Bhige mausam ki khushbu hawao me ho,
Apki dosti ka ehsaas in fizao me ho,

Yuhi sada rahe apke Hoto pe Muskurahat,
Itna asar meri duao me ho......

U make 10 friends,
Laugh wid 9,
Meet 8 of them,
Talk to 7,
Celebrate wid 6,
Share secrets with 5,
Trust 4,
Cry wid 3,
Take help of 2,
But never forget 1 like me:)

Kuch dost palbhar me bhula diye jate hai,
Kuch dost pal-pal yaad aate hai,

Hum aapse yahi puchna chahte hai,
K dosto k is kataar me hum kahan aate hai.

S MS

2009-03-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

Dosti ke mayne hamse kya puchte ho,
Hum abhi in baton se anjaan hain,

Sirf ek gujarish hai ke bhool na jana hame,
Kyonki aapki dosti hi hamari jaan hai.......

Bhige mausam ki khushbu hawao me ho,
Apki dosti ka ehsaas in fizao me ho,

Yuhi sada rahe apke Hoto pe Muskurahat,
Itna asar meri duao me ho......

U make 10 friends,
Laugh wid 9,
Meet 8 of them,
Talk to 7,
Celebrate wid 6,
Share secrets with 5,
Trust 4,
Cry wid 3,
Take help of 2,
But never forget 1 like me:)

Kuch dost palbhar me bhula diye jate hai,
Kuch dost pal-pal yaad aate hai,

Hum aapse yahi puchna chahte hai,
K dosto k is kataar me hum kahan aate hai.

CALL TO HELP DESK

2009-03-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

Call to Help Desk

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Help Desk: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Help Desk: Mouse? And how it is related to printer?
Caller: Mmmm.. Wait, I will send Screen Shot.

http://photobucket.com

FW: THE GLOBAL COLLAPSE IN TERMS WE CAN UNDERSTAND

2009-03-18T22:45:00.000-07:00

All the finance guys pl read

The financial crisis explained in simple terms.............................

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced! with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand...

LAUGHS

2009-03-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

bengali jokes
After all the Sardar jokes we had Mallu jokes. Now
it's the turn of the 'Bongs'!!!!

What do you call:

A mad Bengali? ---- In Sen.

A dark Bengali who lives in a cave? ---- Kalidas Guha.

A Bengali mobster? -----Rob in Ganguli.

A perfumed Bengali? ----Chandan Dass

A Bengali goldsmith? ---- Shonar Bongla.

What's bigger than the state of Bengal? --- The
Bay of Bengal.

An angry Bengali letter?--- Chitti-chitti Bong Bong.

A talkative Bengali?---Bulbul Chatterjee.
An outlawed Bengali? --- Kanoon Banerjee or Bonduk
> > Bannerjee.
> > >
An enlightened Bengali? ---- Jyoti Basu.
> > >
A stupid Bengali girl? --- Balika Buddhu.
A Bengali marriage? --- Bedding.
> What do you call a Bengali who takes bribe? --- Mr.
> Ghoosh.
> > >
> > > What does a ghati call a burping Bong? ----
> > Mukhopadhaya.
> > >
> > > How does the Bong learn the alphabet?----A for Orange,
> > B for Begetable....

How does a Bong relax in the evening? ---- He goes to
> the Howrah Brij to get some Breej.
> > >
What does a Bong with a broken heart say?--- "My
> > hurt is hearting"
And finally,
What do you call a Bengali who works? ---- A work of fiction.

amazing DAARU..........symptom/cause/cure

2009-03-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill your Glass.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Take it to your mouth !

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

7. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers look strange.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks

( Issued in intrest of all India Sharab Consumer Forum-Uzbekistan,

Tullee ho Vyapar Sangh-Italy)

Foods that Heal ( MUST READ - INFORMATION )

2009-03-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

Apples

Protects your heart

prevents constipation

Blocks diarrhea

Improves lung capacity

Cushions joints

***********

Apricots

Combats cancer

Controls blood pressure

Saves your eyesight

Shields against Alzheimer's

Slows aging process

***********

Artichokes

Aids digestion

Lowers cholesterol

Protects your heart

Stabilizes blood sugar

Guards against liver disease

***********

Avocadoes

Battles diabetes

Lowers cholesterol

Helps stops strokes

Controls blood pressure

Smoothes skin

***********

Bananas

Protects your heart

Quiets a cough

Strengthens bones

Controls blood pressure

Blocks diarrhea

***********

Beans

Prevents constipation

Helps hemorrhoids

Lowers cholesterol

Combats cancer

Stabilizes blood sugar

***********

Beets

Controls blood pressure

Combats cancer

Strengthens bones

Protects your heart

Aids weight loss

***********

Blueberries

Combats cancer

Protects your heart

Stabilizes blood sugar

Boosts memory

Prevents constipation

***********

Broccoli

Strengthens bones

Saves eyesight

Combats cancer

Protects your heart

Controls blood pressure

***********

Cabbage

Combats cancer

Prevents constipation

Promotes weight loss

Protects your heart

Helps hemorrhoids

***********

Cantaloupe

Saves eyesight

Controls blood pressure

Lowers cholesterol

Combats cancer

Supports immune system

***********

Carrots

Saves eyesight

Protects your heart

Prevents constipation

Combats cancer

Promotes weight loss

***********

Cauliflower

Protects against Prostate Cancer

Combats Breast Cancer

Strengthens bones

Banishes bruises

Guards against heart disease

***********

Cherries

Protects your heart

Combats Cancer

Ends insomnia

Slows aging process

Shields against Alzheimer's

***********

Chestnuts

Promotes weight loss

Protects your heart

Lowers cholesterol

Combats Cancer

Controls blood pressure

***********

Chili Peppers

Aids digestion

Soothes sore throat

Clears sinuses

Combats Cancer

Boosts immune system

***********

Figs

Promotes weight loss

Helps stops strokes

Lowers cholesterol

Combats Cancer

Controls blood pressure

***********

Fish

Protects your heart

Boosts memory

Protects your heart

Combats Cancer

Supports immune system

***********

Flax

Aids digestion

Battles diabetes

Protects your heart

Improves mental health

Boosts immune system

***********

Garlic

Lowers cholesterol

Controls blood pressure

Combats cancer

kills bacteria

Fights fungus

***********

Grapefruit

Protects against heart attacks

Promotes Weight loss

Helps stops strokes

Combats Prostate Cancer

Lowers cholesterol

***********

Grapes

saves eyesight

Conquers kidney stones

Combats cancer

Enhances blood flow

Protects your heart

***********

Green Tea

Combats cancer

Protects your heart

Helps stops strokes

Promotes Weight loss

Kills bacteria

***********

Honey

Heals wounds

Aids digestion

Guards against ulcers

Increases energy

Fights allergies

***********

Lemons

Combats cancer

Protects your heart

Controls blood pressure

Smoothes skin

Stops scurvy

***********

Limes

Combats cancer

Protects your heart

Controls blood pressure

Smoothes skin

Stops scurvy

***********

Mangoes

Combats cancer

Boosts memory

Regulates thyroid

aids digestion

Shields against Alzheimer's

***********

Mushrooms

Controls blood pressure

Lowers cholesterol

Kills bacteria

Combats cancer

Strengthens bones

***********

Oats

Lowers cholesterol

Combats cancer

Battles diabetes

prevents constipation

Smoothes skin

***********

Olive Oil

Protects your heart

Promotes Weight loss

Combats cancer

Battles diabetes

Smoothes skin

***********

Onions

Reduce risk of heart attack

Combats cancer

Kills bacteria

Lowers cholesterol

Fights fungus

***********

Oranges

Supports immune systems

Combats cancer

Protects your heart

Strengthens respiration

***********

Peaches

prevents constipation

Combats cancer

Helps stops strokes

aids digestion

Helps hemorrhoids

***********

Peanuts

Protects against heart disease

Promotes Weight loss

Combats Prostate Cancer

Lowers cholesterol

Aggravates

diverticulitis

***********

Pineapple

Strengthens bones

Relieves colds

Aids digestion

Dissolves warts

Blocks diarrhea

***********

Prunes

Slows aging process

prevents constipation

boosts memory

Lowers cholesterol

Protects against heart disease

***********

Rice

Protects your heart

Battles diabetes

Conquers kidney stones

Combats cancer

Helps stops strokes

***********

Strawberries

Combats cancer

Protects your heart

boosts memory

Calms stress

***********

Sweet Potatoes

Saves your eyesight

Lifts mood

Combats cancer

Strengthens bones

***********

Tomatoes

Protects prostate

Combats cancer

Lowers cholesterol

Protects your heart

***********

Walnuts

Lowers cholesterol

Combats cancer

boosts memory

Lifts mood

Protects against heart disease

***********

Water

Promotes Weight loss

Combats cancer

Conquers kidney stones

Smoothes skin

***********

Watermelon

Protects prostate

Promotes Weight loss

Lowers cholesterol

Helps stops strokes

Controls blood pressure

Are you smarter than a Kindergartner ????....

2009-03-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

GOOD ONE---
Eighty percent of Kindergartners solved this riddle, but only 5% of Stanford graduates figured it out!

Can you answer the following questions? in one same word?
1. The word has seven letters...
2. Preceded God...
3. Greater than God...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it...
7. If you eat it, you will die.

Did you figure it out?

Try hard before looking at the answers

Did you get it yet?

Give up?

Brace yourself for the answer....

The Answer is:

NOTHING! NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded God.
NOTHING is greater than God.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

Send this Brain Teaser to your Smart friends and see if they can.

THE BATHTUB TEST

2009-03-16T00:03:00.000-07:00

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the "Director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

BIRTHDAY QUOTES

2009-03-15T00:18:00.000-07:00

Birthday Quotes - Happy Birthday Quotes Sayings

A birthday iz just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.

**************

You r only young once, but u can stay immature indefinitely.

**************

They say that age is all in ur mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into ur body.

**************

Just remember, once u r over the hill u begin to pick up speed.

**************

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

**************

You r not 40, you r eighteen with 22 years experience.

**************

Birthdays are good 4 u. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

**************

Inside every older person iz a younger person wondering what happened.

**************

Middle age is wen ur age starts to show around your middle.

**************

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.

**************

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half

**************

Some like sunday some like friday, bt i like your birthday. Happy birthday my sweet heart.

**************

U celebrate ur birth day am also coming & we enjoy together . happy birthday 2 you.

**************

Money is short. times are hard. i just text u your birthday gift. happy birthday!!

**************

The birthday of my life Is come, my love is come 2 me.

**************

Birthdays r good for u. The more you have, the longer you live.

**************

Your birthday is a special time 2 celebrate the gift of you 2 the world.

**************

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday bt never remembers her age.

**************

May u live 2 be 100 & may the last voice you hear be mine. Happy Birthday

**************

A birthday is just the 1st day of another 365-days journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.

**************

The most effective way 2 remember ur wife's birthday is 2 forget it once.

**************

Some like sunday some like monday, bt i like ur birthday. Happy birthday my sweetheart.

**************

Sending birthday blessings filled with love & peace & joy wishing sweetest things happen right b4 ur eyes.

**************

A birthday iz just the first day of another 365 days journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.

**************

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a womans birthday bt never remembers the age.

**************

Ur birthday is a special time 2 celebrate the gift of u 2 the world.

**************

If theres something tat u r dreaming of then may it all come true, becoz u deserve it all...HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

**************

Why iz a birthday cake the only food u can blow on & spit on & everybody rushes 2 get a piece?

Heart Attacks And Drinking Warm Water

2009-03-14T04:18:00.000-07:00

Heart Attacks And Drinking Warm Water

This is a very good article. Not only
about warm water after your meal, but about Heart Attacks.

The Chinese and Japanese drink
hot tea with their meals, not
cold water, maybe it is time we
adopt their drinking habit.

For those who like to drink cold water,
this article is applicable to you. It's nice
to have a cup of cold drink after a meal.

However, the cold water will solidify the
oily stuff that you have just consumed.
It will slow down the digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine
faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.

Common Symptoms Of Heart Attack
A serious note about heart attacks - You should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jawline.
You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack.

Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who
have a heart attack while they are asleep
do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful
and be aware. The more we know,
the better chance we can survive.

A cardiologist says if everyone who reads
this message sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life.
Be a true friend and send this article

to all your friends you care about.

A CUP OF TEA-JOKE

2009-03-10T15:25:00.000-07:00

Cup of tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea", which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!" My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Nothing in this world is IMPOSSIBLE as the word is "I M POSSIBLE".

................................................

Happiness is not something you find, It's something you create.

................................................

One thing you can learn by watching the clock is that it passes time by keeping its hands busy.

................................................

The heart is happiest when it beats for others.

................................................

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little "extra".

INSTALLING HUSBAND

2009-03-10T01:02:00.000-07:00

A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman

DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.htmland try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7..7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support

Why I am Glad to be a Women !

2009-03-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

Why I am Glad to be a Women !

* We

got off the Titanic first.

* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

* We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

* We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

* Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

* Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

* Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... ( You got the point? ).

* We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

* We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay!

* We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there

HOW MY LIFE CHANGED!!!!!!!

2009-03-05T20:58:00.000-08:00

Here I am sitting in my office @ night…

Thinking hard about life

How it changed from a bindas college life to strict professional life…...

How little pocket money changed to huge monthly salaries

But then why it gives less happiness….

How a couple of local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe

But then why there is less joy in using them...

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full course meal

But then why there is less hunger…..

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…

Thinking hard about life

How it changed…..

How a bike always in reserve changed to comfortable car

But then why there are fewer places to go on……

How a small tea stall changed to cafe coffee day

But then why its feels like shop is far away…..

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package with no limits

But then why there are fewer calls……

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…

Thinking hard about life

How it changed…..

How a general class train journey changed to AC train or Flight journey

But then why there are fewer vacations for enjoyment….

How an old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop

But then why there is less time to put it on for chatting….

How a small bunch of friends changed to loads of office mates and associates

But then why we always feel lonely n miss those college friends.….

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…

Thinking hard about life

How it changed…

Aids Warning!

2009-03-05T20:51:00.000-08:00

Aids Warning!

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.

I love to see you smile.
Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)

TOP IDIOTS

2009-03-05T20:45:00.000-08:00

Top Idiots !!!

Idiot # 1

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.

Idiot # 2

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.

Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This is a stick up. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Idiot # 4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!

Idiot # 5

Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!

Idiot # 6

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.

Idiot # 7

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!

Idiot # 8

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Please note that these people are allowed to vote!

Idiot # 9
Two hunters from Michigan
(true story)

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.

The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and
Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!

And you thought your day was not going well?

People Can Be So Dumb

2009-03-04T14:38:00.000-08:00

Their teachers must be proud of these scholars:

'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.' Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was larger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs.. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds Hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

Caution. . .they walk among us!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one is actually better! (No comments needed!)

Caution... They Walk Among Us!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!

WHAT A REPLY?

2009-02-13T16:31:00.000-08:00

What A Reply!!!!

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

.
.
.
.
.
.

He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running ".

RIDDLES

2009-02-05T16:38:00.000-08:00

Riddles

If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it?

A secret.

The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it?

Darkness

What book was once owned by only the wealthy, but now everyone can have it?
You can't buy it in a bookstore or take it from a library.

A telephone book.

What gets whiter the dirtier that it gets?

A chalkboard

What happened in the middle of the twentieth century that will not happen again for 4,000 years?

The year 1961 can be read upside down and that won't happen again until 6009!

What has no beginning, end, or middle?

A doughnut.

What has to be broken before it can be used?

An egg.

What does no man want, yet no man wants to lose?

Work - Employment

How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?

Only one, the last one.

What is everything to someone, and nothing to everyone else?

Your mind.

Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river can't fill it up. What is it?

A kitchen strainer.

What goes up and never comes down?

Your age.

What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?

To cover cows.

What's long and thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and put in tarts?

Rhubarb.

What has feet and legs, and nothing else?

Stockings

What is the moon worth?

$1, because it has 4 quarters.

What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?

A candle.

What stays where it is when it goes off?

An alarm clock

You heard me before, yet you hear me again. Then I die, 'til you call me again. What am I?

An echo

I never was, I am always to be,
No one ever saw me, nor ever will
And yet I am the confidence of all
To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball
What am I?

I am Tomorrow

Question

The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place

Answer

The letter 'e'.

SHAYRI

2009-02-05T16:27:00.000-08:00

Hamein zindagi to di kisi aur ne,
Par pyaar itna dekar jeena sikha diya aapne.

Tujhe bhoolkar bhi na bhool payenge hum,
Bas yahi ek wada nibha payenge hum.
Mita denge khud ko bhi jahan se lekin,
Tera naam dil se na mita payenge hum..

Karoge yaad ek din is pyar ke zamane ko,
Chale jayenge jab hum kabhi na vapas aane ko.
Chalega mehfil me jab zikr hamara koi,
To tum bhi tanhayi dhundoge aansu bahane ko.

Sabhi ko sabh kuch nahi milta,
Nadi ki har lehar ko sahil nahi milta,
Yeh dil walon ki dunia hai dost,
Kisi se dil nahi milta to koi dil se nahi milta

Kadam kadam pe baharon ne saath chhoda,
Zaroorat padne par yaaron ne saath chhoda,
Vaada kiya sitaron ne saath dene ka,
Subah hone par sitaron ne bhi saath chhoda

Dil ka dard dil todne wale kya jane,
Pyar ke rivazon ko zamana kya jane,
Hoti hai kitni takleef ladki patane mein,
Ye ghar pe baitha ladki ka baap kya jaane.